THIS IS NOT ACTING, RIGHT?

Presently I'm sitting outside, on a small balcony off my bedroom, facing the forest. There's just me. My dog, Barry, has the other balcony, the bigger one, to himself. He has water, food, a treat, and the breeze. I have the breeze, too, and my laptop. Both of us are barefoot. He finds the wood floor of the balcony comfortable enough to lie down; I don't, so I'm leaned back in a chair, with my feet up. The chair is nice, has a long, red cushion - but the cushion's off right now because it got wet from this morning's big rain.

Since this morning the sky's pretended to bring a few more big clouds but that's all it's done is pretend, as of yet.

I spent a lot of my life pretending. Once you get used to it, stopping is difficult; when you've done it so long you don't even know you do it. Now I know I do it - or did it - because my feelings are back. If somebody pretends, and they're in touch enough, they'll feel it. I don't like the feeling that appears when my body senses my mind pretending. Lately I've given, or tried to give, my body power over my mind, instead of the other way around.

I grew up thinking "smart" is better than anything else. I grew up thinking, is what. Not feeling. Feeling was bad where I grew up because if any of us felt it'd always be bad, so we pretended we were all good all the time, which we weren't, of course - and all of this required very much thinking.

So the brain won for years! Not now. It ain't easy, mind you, and it IS doable: letting the body win. Like exercise, though, this takes getting used to, no matter good it feels. Funny how we resist change, even for the good.

So these days I try to keep it simple, and just be me - one me. You'd think this would come easily. Not necessarily. Old habits die hard. One way I'm flexing my "not thinking" muscles is by taking an acting class.

Yes.

I always heard acting keeps one out of their head, so I signed up on a whim (and a challenge). Well, there's news: not only does acting keep me out of head (or, tries...), acting keeps me in my body. In the now. In the present. Listening. Observing. Add all of this together and the sum = not thinking.

Who would've thought?

The acting class, led by Vali Forrester, founder of Actors Bridge, is of the Meisner technique. I will not pretend to know much about this or any other technique because I don't. However, the little I get, so far, says Meisner wants us so completely in the moment that reaching for some past experience for the sake of theatrical emotion is absolutely forbidden. Makes sense.

Here's why: if we do, or did, then we are a. thinking, and b. not in the moment. We'd be in some other moment, which takes us away. Do you have any idea how difficult this is for a guy who's lived in his head most all of his life?

And hey: I don't even want to be an actor. In fact, I want to quit being one so badly I'm taking acting so I can learn how to stop; to simply be me.

Howaboutthat?